Tears
by Head-over-books
Summary: "Harry, he's gone" she heard Lupin's gentle voice from the other side of the room. He's gone. Sirius is gone. It took a while for the information to sink in but when it did, it brought a flood of feelings so unexpected that Bellatrix choked on her own breath. She was devastated and angry, so angry. It was all her fault. She killed Sirius. Sirius's death from Bellatrix's POV


**This is just a silly one shot - as I wanted to write something about Bellatrix for a while - and my other story will be updated tomorrow (at least I hope so). This is Sirius/Bellatrix with mentions of Voldemort/Bellatrix. Don't like, don't read.**

 **Disclaimer: If I owned HP neither Sirius nor Bellatrix would have died and they would be together. Too bad I don't!**

Bellatrix Black didn't cry. It was a rule.

It started in her early childhood, a couple of years before she went to school. She always considered herself more thoughtful than her two sisters - little Narcissa and older, but even more sensitive, Andromeda. It was her way of feeling better than them. And she liked feeling better. So when both her sisters let the tears flow freely, Bellatrix remained indifferent and looked at them with pity clear in her features. Of course, there were times when even she was close to crying but she never let the others see it, bit her lip and changed sadness into anger.

Then came seven years of learning at Hogwarts. Seven years spent in the Slytherin which helped her realise that she was right all along. Here the fact that she never cried wasn't only a way of making her feel better than the others. It was much more needed. Essential even. It was a mean of survival and a mean of gaining respect. Tears were the sign of feelings. Letting everyone know your feelings was the sign of weakness. And the Slytherins, especially future Death Eaters, did not show weakness.

She wasn't the happiest person in Hogwarts. In fact she wasn't happy at all. She had a lot of friends as she was one of the most respected people in her House, but no matter how great they were, they could never understand her. They didn't know what she was going through. They didn't know about her family and her problems. About Sirius who betrayed them all, getting sorted into Gryffindor and making friend with Potter and his crew. About her sister Andromeda and her Muggle boyfriend whose name Bellatrix didn't even bother to remember. There were moments when she thought that it was all too much and that tears are close but she didn't cry.

She hated Gryffindors with passion, all of them. Especially Potter, his crew - Lupin and Pettigrew - and his Mudblood girlfriend Evans. She didn't want to admit it but she somehow blamed them for taking Sirius away. She knew that the feeling she experienced when he was disowned would be haunting her till the end of her days. Like there was no one in the world who could understand her. Because to tell the truth, Bellatrix didn't hate her cousin as much as she claimed to. At first. There were just so many happy memories from the times before Hogwarts to turn them into hatred. And now it was all taken from her. She felt hurt, betrayed and angry, angry at Sirius for leaving her. But she still didn't cry. When Sirius came to her room to say goodbye for the last time, she was sitting on her bed cross-legged, looking out of the window. She didn't want to see him. She didn't let him explain anything, she just shouted at him to leave. When she smacked the door behind him, for the first time ever she started to feel bubbling hatred towards him.

She remembered very well how two years later Andromeda told her parents that she and Ted were planning to get married. Bellatrix, who was lying on her bed late at night and listening to the screaming coming from the kitchen downstairs, was full of conflicting feelings. On one hand calm Andromeda, who in Bellatrix's opinion was too submissive for her own good, standing up to her parents gained some respect in her eyes. But nevertheless she was a blood traitor, wanted to marry a Muggle and it made Bellatrix furious. First Sirius, then Andromeda... She could hear Narcissa sobbing into the pillow next to her, but she only stared at the ceiling with blank eyes. She didn't cry.

She became a Death Eater when she was twenty. She wasn't the only one who on this cold autumn night got the Dark Mark and accepted Voldemort as her Lord. There were others with her. Lucius Malfoy. Severus Snape. And plenty of others whose names were continuously mixing up in her mind. She was the strongest, the most loyal. And it was then, in the darkest hour of the night, on the abandoned graveyard, looking in the frightened eyes of her fellow Death Eaters, that she finally understood that there were things which one would ever share with her. No one. Ever. And there was this feeling again - as if she was alone in the world. But she didn't cry. Nor did she when she stood in front of Voldemort and the Dark Lord lifted his wand and burned the Mark on her forearm. She didn't even flinch. No feelings, no weakness.

It wasn't long before her wedding with Rudolphus Lestrange. In fact it was that night when she saw him for the first time. Pureblood. Her fellow Death Eater. She didn't love him, oh no, but it was a good deal. Her parents also were pleased and proud - their first daughter with a real pureblood marriage.

The wedding was nothing like she imagined it to be when she was a little girl. They would dress in her parents' clothes, her and Sirius. She had a long white dress and he was dressed in an elegant black robe. She somehow regretted that Sirius couldn't be at her wedding. They promised each other in their early childhood, knowing that they won't be able to be together, the invitation to each other's weddings. The invitation Bellatrix never sent. But would he send her an invitation if he was getting married? No. So she didn't know why she felt so guilty about it.

Then came the Azkaban - her worst darkest memory. In this place time stopped so the fourteen years spent there were either ages or only minutes for her. She guessed that both. All the days spent there melted into one long memory full of darkness and fear. She could hear dementors sliding past her cell causing her to shiver. From some cells came groans and screams of her fellow prisoners until they couldn't make a sound anymore and it was silent again. Only water was continuously falling from the ceiling onto the stone floor which was already cold and wet. It was always cold and wet. After some time it all started making her insane. Sound of dementors, sound of people screaming, sound of water and then darkness, darkness, darkness.

When this torture finally ended it came as a shock to her. She couldn't believe it - she was free at last – and it was so relieving that she wanted to cry from happiness. But she didn't. Because this one thing hadn't changed over the years and Bellatrix Lestrange still didn't cry.

She could, however, feel grateful and was she grateful! She felt that she owed Voldemort her life, at least her sanity for sure. So it was only fair that her life should belong to him. Of course, she'd given it to him years ago when she'd agreed to become a Death Eater, Dark Mark on her forearm reminded her of that every day, every minute. But when he saved her from the Azkaban, she decided to give him something else - her soul. And at the same time she also gave him her love.

Voldemort noticed the change in her feelings even before Bellatrix herself realised it. And even if he didn't recognise love, it kind of amused him to watch the witch struggling to understand her own feelings. At first she thought that it was still only gratefulness and it took her quite a lot of time to notice the other, smaller, unfamiliar feeling. See, Bellatrix was just as unfamiliar with love as her master. She never loved her husband. She never loved neither her parents nor her sisters.

But, unlike Voldemort, she knew the concept of love and that at one point in her life she'll meet a person that she will be able to love. So she started thinking, wondering and analysing everything that was happening over and over again. Was it possible that she loved Voldemort? And if so, how would he react if he found out? Did he already know? Bellatrix quickly pushed aside the last thought. Of course, he couldn't know. Even if, roaming through her memories, he noticed something he wouldn't recognise the feeling if even she didn't know what it was.

Before she realised it she was training herself in Occlumency. She knew that if Voldemort really wanted to know the truth, he was too skilled of a Legillimens for her to fight with. Her only hope was that he would be too lazy to bother if she became good enough. She had to become good enough.

Occlumency combined with her Death Eater duties was draining her. The fact that she'd only recently got out of Azkaban didn't help at all. She became even thinner, her eyes lost their natural brown shade and became darker, almost black, her hair was a curly mess on the top of her head. She was a walking skeleton. And on top of that all she lived in constant fear.

When Voldemort called her to his chambers, she thought that it was the end. Her training wasn't enough, he found out anyway. The door of his room wasn't fully closed, so she pushed it open, cold wood on her hand feeling somehow comforting.

"My Lord" Bellatrix bowed in front of her Master, fighting for her voice not to tremble.

"Ah, Bellatrix" Dark Lord acknowledged her.

"You called for me, My Lord"

"Yes, I did" suddenly Voldemort seemed very deep in thought. "See, there is a problem. There is a mission in the Ministry that needs to be fulfilled."

When he fell silent for a moment, Bellatrix quickly chimed in, obliged to offer her service. Although the fact that she was obliged no longer mattered. She felt like she needed to be in charge of any mission for Voldemort, to make him pleased and happy.

"Master, I'll go"

"You're. Not. Strong. Enough" he snapped in response. "In the last weeks you've been becoming weaker and weaker and the others can see it. The most loyal servant of the Dark Lord is losing her power, that's what they say."

"I-"

Bellatrix didn't know what to say. Probably she should feel offended at the comment but she didn't. There was only hatred inside of her - hatred towards her fellow Death Eaters - and anger because she had failed her Lord. Those two emotions were so strong that she felt close to crying, again, in such a short time.

"Of course, you will go" Voldemort cut her off before she could finish her sentence. "But I shall choose another leader. Lucius Malfoy, most likely."

Bellatrix wanted to start screaming and break something. Or better, cast an old good Cruciatus Curse. She was so angry that Lucius Malfoy of all people was taking her position! Her place in the Death Eater ranks had always been in the leadership and there was no way it could be taken from her. Or so she thought because at that very moment it was being taken from her.

Instead of performing all the damage that was currently on her mind she just bowed.

"My Lord"

Voldemort just nodded his head.

"You are dismissed"

Bellatrix obediently headed to the exit. Her hand was reaching the door knob when Voldemort's voice stopped her again.

"Bellatrix"

The Death Eater slowly turned around full of hope. Maybe he had changed his mind and would make her a leader instead of that stupid Malfoy. Apparently he hadn't.

"Try to prevent such situations in the future"

It was all he said and he didn't even to need to dismiss her for Bellatrix to know that her time was over.

Once she left the room, she abruptly stopped, turned around and kicked the nearest thing which just happened to be a table.

"Fucking Lucius" she said aloud to the empty walls.

There were so many different emotions. Betrayal. Hurt. Failure. Each one worse than the others.

Sometimes she hated life as a Death Eater even more than long years spent with her family. It was just like this every time something went wrong. It was just like her colleagues to wait for her to make a mistake and take her position as the Dark Lord's favourite. Some of them hated her so much that they were only waiting for a reason to stab her with a knife.

However, no matter how angry she was, she didn't allow the others to discover her feelings. For once she let Lucius lead the mission and she simply went by his side. Yes, she did it but not for her brother-in-law. She couldn't have cared less about him and the fact and he was Cissy's husband didn't make any difference to her. She did it for the Dark Lord, so he would be proud of her. Lucius may lead the mission but she would be the one to bring Voldemort the prophecy he loathed so much.

Lucius was an idiot, that was for sure. Bellatrix knew it, standing by his side, listening to his little argument with Potter. He didn't shut up and let her take the prophecy or just do it himself, he preferred to play a little with his prey. It was a bit amusing but at the same time gave their enemy more time to react.

Chasing stupid children around the Department of Mysteries, she was cursing under her breath. Cursing Potter. Cursing Lucius. The mission was bound to fail and they would be all punished, any favours which she so desperately needed at the moment could be forgotten. She couldn't let it happen. Just couldn't.

The feeling of determination only intensified when the Order of Phoenix members appeared in the flashes of light. She knew that she could still win, Dumbledore was nowhere in sight, she just had to act quickly. She turned to the first of them, her niece, Nymphadora Tonks. Bellatrix smiled bitterly to herself - first Lucius, then Nymphadora, the fight would turn into Black family gathering in no time. She hit the other witch with the stunner, deciding that it would be enough, at least for now. Then she was in front of Potter.

"Give me the prophecy" she told him, extending her unoccupied hand. "Now! Cru-"

She was cut off by someone pushing her so hard she lost her balance for a moment and was close to falling. In the corner of her eye she managed to see the prophecy slipping from Harry's pocket.

She saw it all in slow motion. The glass ball falling, nearing the ground. Colliding with stupid Longbottom boy's shoe. And then finally smashing on the stone floor.

"No!"

The cry left her throat before she could even stop it. Or react.

Everything, the whole situation, was just impossible. The mission had failed, Lucius, along with other Death Eaters present would be punished severely for failing their Lord. And Bellatrix was sure that there wouldn't be any exception for her, regardless of the fact that she was so close to succeeding. As always the only thing that mattered in the end was the result - who grabbed the prophecy first and brought it to Voldemort - and not the fact that it was usually her who did all the work because her stupid colleges weren't able to. If it had been any other Death Eater who had the prophecy, she would just feel jealous, right now she was furious.

She turned her anger on a person whom she somehow blamed for the destruction of the prophecy - the Order of Phoenix member that had collided with her and pushed her to the floor.

But when she turned around, wand in hand, she stood eye to eye with a person she never expected to meet here. Sirius. He also had his wand raised, a stern expression on his face but Bellatrix could swear that she saw a flash of uncertainty in his eyes.

She also wasn't sure what to do. Her Death Eater nature told her to attack, to kill him in a split second and focus on other threats. But she was suddenly so overwhelmed with the memories of their childhood together that she couldn't bring herself to do that.

And there was something else apart from the images going through her head. There was this feeling again, the same one which bothered her so much recently. But then the object of her feeling was Voldemort, not Sirius. And now it was somehow different, stronger and... happier?

Her hand started to shake so she lowered it, not caring about the danger she was putting herself in. She couldn't see anyone else in the room but Sirius. And all she wanted was to forgive him, to forget about everything that had happened and everything they had become. Looking into his warm brown eyes, which colour strangely reminded her of chocolate, Bellatrix wished she could go back in time and be a child again. Not broken. Without all the dark memories. Without the need to be forgiven because there was nothing wrong she had done...

"Bella"

His soft quiet voice made her want to smile and scream and the same time. And above all - cry.

It was her last chance and she knew it. But was there any point in trying to set everything right? Would Sirius even forgive her? And even if she knew what to say, her voice was gone. She couldn't bring herself to say even one word.

She could only clutch her wand and look at Sirius. Their eyes met.

"Please."

It was him who broke the silence again. But it sounded so weak and so shaky, judging from Sirius' expression much weaker than he wanted it to.

But there was so much meaning in this one word. Bellatrix knew that he was giving her the last ever chance to join the Order and help them destroy Voldemort. This was the moment when she could change her fate forever and finally reunite with Sirius. And there would be no one to snort at them, make rude comments and generally disapprove of their relationship. She would be happy, not worrying about Occlumency or someone stealing her position of a leader just like Lucius did.

But there was more to it. Both her and Sirius were aware that if she turned down his offer, the next time they met they would be enemies. There won't be any staring, any greetings. One of them will have to kill the other.

Why was she even hesitating? The answer was simple - she still felt something towards Voldemort. She loved him. And even though she loved Sirius as well, she owed the Dark Lord her life and such a debt was impossible to forget.

The Dark Mark was burning painfully on her arm reminding of a promise she made so long ago. And it was only then that she finally understood. She had already made her choice on old graveyard so long ago. She was bounded to Voldemort for the rest of her life, obliged to clean the world of all the Muggles and Mudbloods.

She looked into Sirius' calm brown eyes for the last time. After she made her final decision, they would no longer be so calm. Not for her. But she didn't saw calmness in his expression, rather worry, as he stared at something behind her. She slowly turned around. There, in the doorway, stood Dumbledore himself.

The wizard was occupied at the moment but, nonetheless, Bellatrix knew that it was time to run away. She lifted her wand again. The little while she had with Sirius came to an end when he lifted his wand as well. She glanced back at him only to shake her head with two words.

"I'm sorry"

Then she shouted the incantation and red light exploded from the tip of her wand. A stunner only. She turned around to run and to get out of this place before the Ministry officials arrive. But when she was about to leave a scream from the other side of the room stopped her.

As it turned out it was Potter who was screaming his head off. Lupin, whom Bellatrix still recognised after all these years, tried to hold the boy in place, probably so he won't do anything stupid. And what was he shouting? Constant sounds of fighting and curses filled the whole room so it took a minute for Bellatrix to understand the message.

Potter was shouting a name. Sirius' name. Sudden fear washed over Bellatrix as she slowly scanned the room with her eyes. Sirius was nowhere in sight. What could have happened to him? She was entirely sure that she only hit him with a Stunner and they weren't even dangerous, much less destructive. She directed her gaze to the place when she last saw him, hoping that he would appear magically but the only people in front of the big marble arch were Lupin and Potter.

Then it hit her. When she hexed Sirius, he was automatically thrown backwards, straight into the arch. And considering the fact that this was after all the Department of Mysteries there could be anything behind it.

"Harry, he's gone" she heard Lupin's gentle voice from the other side of the room.

He's gone. Sirius is gone. It took a while for the information to sink in but when it did, it brought a flood of feelings so unexpected that Bellatrix choked on her own breath. She was devastated and angry, so angry. It was all her fault. She killed Sirius. A scream escaped her as she hit the shelves with a spell. Glass balls fell to the floor and shattered into millions of pieces but she couldn't have cared less. She turned on her heels and ran from the room.

She didn't slow down even after she started to lose her breath. She was panting heavily but she desperately needed to get out of there. All her thoughts were focused only on one thing. Don't cry.

She stopped only when she got to the big hall, the one with the fountain. Not because she was too tired. She stopped because there, on top of the fountain, stood her master, Lord Voldemort. His lips were curled up in a cruel smile.

"Bellatrix"

She bowed, unsure what to expect of her Lord. Surely he must have already known that their mission failed and that there wasn't any chance of getting the prophecy back. And worse, he must have known that there was absolutely no excuse for the what happened in the Department of Mysteries. Sure, it was all Lucius's fault but it didn't mean that she was innocent. At least not in Dark Lord's eyes.

"You failed me" he said confirming her worst fears, his voice calm yet murderous.

She knew what came next. Punishment. And a severe one because Lord Voldemort didn't take mercy on neither his enemies nor his followers. He didn't torture his servants enough to kill them, at least as long as they were needed, but Bellatrix wasn't used to being tortured at all. Usually she was the one to torture the others, not the other way around.

She swallowed thickly, preparing herself for what was to come. And sure enough, Voldemort raised his wand and at his words red light erupted from the tip. She couldn't have docked even if she wanted so she didn't try.

When the spell finally hit her she fell onto the cold hard floor paralysed by pain. And it was only then that her facade finally started to fall. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and it felt so relieving to just finally cry over it all. She cried over Sirius. She cried over her miserable sister, brother-in-law and husband. She cried over all the wrong decisions she had made.

Suddenly another person entered the hall and Voldemort's attention was drawn away from her. The excruciating pain disappeared. She propped herself up on one elbow to be able to see better. It was Potter. He had his wand drawn but he was glancing around sheepishly as though waiting for help to come. This and his dusty clothes with traces of mud and blood on them created an image which in Bellatrix's opinion was just pathetic. On the other hand, she probably didn't look much better, lying on the floor like that with traces of tears still visible on her cheeks. If only she had enough strength to stand up.

She watched the duel between Potter and her Master, not fully registering what was happening around her. Soon Potter joined her on the floor with an unpleasant smack, shouting something incoherently with tears in his eyes. Bellatrix wondered whether he cried after Sirius.

 _Then there's two of us, Potter_ she thought grimly.

She saw her Master towering above the boy with his wand ready for a final blow. And that was when Dumbledore arrived. The fight started all over again, this time between the Headmaster and the Dark Lord. And then Voldemort suddenly grabbed her by the shoulder and everything around her disappeared in a blinding flash of light.

When Bellatrix was able to open her eyes again, she was lying on a carpet in one of the rooms of the Malfoy Manor. Voldemort was also there, leaning against a table and examining his wand closely. Bellatrix guessed that it has failed him in his fight with Potter yet again.

The Dark Lord was furious, she was close enough to him through all those years to be able to recognise it. And he would vent all his anger on her – not because she was responsible for their failure (there were many others he could punish as well) but simply because she was standing right next to him.

When she looked at his cruel smile and his snake-like eyes, cold, without any real feelings she wondered how she could ever love him. And when he raised his wand to cast another painful curse on her, she cried again, this time not even feeling ashamed. Because she realised that the feelings she had for Voldemort were only an illusion. The only person she ever loved was – ironically – the person she has just lost.


End file.
